We have all seen cute bishonen male characters and thought “I’d hit that!” No? I have. As an Anal Anime Watcher, I adeptly adhere to a certain set of criteria when it comes to my men, Bishie or otherwise. You gotta be more than just cute.

This isn’t even a gay/girly thing. Ataru said in the podcast that androgynous male characters make him feel funny inside. Actually on several occasions he mentioned his confusions about the Bishie’s. (Hmm, I wonder if he’s not telling us something.) Don’t let that prettiness fool you. Some of these characters hide deep, dark secrets. They have commitment issues, abandonment issues, anger issues and could quite possibly be the worst lay ever.

So, without further inane bantering:

Top 10 Anime Guys I wouldn’t Touch With a Ten Foot Pole

Number 10: Shinji (Evangelion)

Yeah, he’s cute and all, but what a little emo baby. If Shinji had a myspace, he’d probably comb his bangs over his eyes, his playlist would feature My Chemical Romance, and he would post bulletins about his crappy poetry. Oh, heres an example now:

Father Why? By: Shinji Ikari
Dark, Darky, Darkness.
My soul it bleeds Darkness.
By the way, Darkness.

I bet he even cries in bed. “Waaaah, I’ve got daddy issues.” Geez, what a whiny little bitch.

Number 9: Inuyasha (Inuyasha)

I suppose this could bring a whole new meaning to the term “doggie style.” Seriously, another chest full of body hair, and I might as well suit up for some R&R with Lassie. While the prospect of being domineering over Inuyasha is slightly appealing (Sit! Inuyasha Sit!) he is way too emotionally abusive for my taste. Makes you feel real sorry for Kagome, doesn’t it?

Number 8: Nin-Nin (La Blue Girl)

OK. So not a bishonen. But, I’ll admit, he’d probably be really frisky and energetic in bed. A guy like Nin-nin is horny all the time and I’m not sure if I want to invest in the costly commitment of a life-time supply of KY. Everything would be chapped. Does anyone really want know what’s behind his mask? 10 bucks says it would be nothing but tentacles. Besides, midget sex is just wrong (for me!)

Number 7: Jet Black (Cowboy Bebop)

He does have that handsome, rugged good look thing going for him, but that metal arm worries me. Does he know what it means to be gentle? That thing is going to pinch…something. I’d rather not risk it. Maybe he could take it off? Well, even if he did, then we’d be talking nub sex, and that’s….Let’s not get into that.

Number 6: Yu-Gi-Oh (Yu-Gi-Oh)

I can hear his battle call now: “Only one shall be the dominant, I have trained! My victory is assured!” Translation: “I am selfish in bed! You shall finish up on your own! Go make me a sammich!” At this rate, I’ll have to use my Call of the Haunted trap card just to get what I want. I know you’re the “King of all Games,” but would it hurt for you to reciprocate in the sack?

Number 5: Zaraki Kenpachi (Bleach)

Zaraki: “So, Do you want the eye patch on or off?”
Me (Whimpering): “Umm…on?”
Zaraki: “Well, too damn bad.”

*insert sounds of screams*

(Ed. note: Again, It pains me to link a viz site. Sorry guysx2!)

Number 4: Kazuma Kuwabara (YuYu Hakusho)

That pompadour…My god, that pompadour! That is all.

Number 3: Alphonse Elric (Full Metal Alchemist)

How would this work exactly? I suppose I could stand inside of him? Would I need a metal detector to determine if he was aroused? Wait, what? He’s underage? Shit, never mind. Time to call robo-cop for a booty call. He doesn’t just keep a gun in his leg if you know what I mean.

Number 2: Sasuke (Naruto)

Listen possible suitors, being whiny is not sexy. As such, we are going to have some problems. That’s right, I’ll give you something to cry about. Sasuke wouldn’t be able to adequately meet my needs, he would probably be too busy going on about his undying love for his brother anyway. (or whatever his problem is). Alas, if Shinji (see #10) had a headband, thy name would be Sasuke.

Number 1: Light Yagami (Death Note)

Not just because he’d probably kill me immediately afterwards (by writing “STD” in his notebook), but because, Light always has his Death Note, and I don’t want to take the chance of touching it. Seeing a lumbering googly-eyed shinigami watching me in action would be an instant downer. I’ll bring apples just in case. (Ed. note: It pains me to link to the viz death note site. Sorry guys!)

Who wouldn’t you touch with a ten foot pole?

-The Anal Anime Watcher